I am not particularly religious, but I do find myself often wondering what kind of God could allow this to happen to me. Why couldn't the woman who is hooked on Meth wind up infertile? I try to keep my faith, but it's so very difficult. I will sometimes make "deals" with God such as "I will remember to pray everyday if you will give me a baby," or "I will stop cursing if you give me a baby." Other times, I will give God a good "talking to." Just last night I was praying and it quickly turned into a lecture. I informed God in no uncertain terms that if His plan was to leave me childless, He had just better make a new plan because whether He works with me or against me, I WILL HAVE A BABY dammit. Well...there goes my promise to stop cursing.
I also really grapple with the term "God's Will." Was it God's Will that I should have to bear this much pain over struggling to get pregnant? Maybe I'm paying my dues because nothing too terrible up until now has happened to me? What about my husband? He has not had such an easy life and sure as Hell does not need to pay any dues to any one. Is it God's Will that I should have to wade through this swamp of infertility while across the street, there is an olympic sized pool full of people who get pregnant when their husband looks at them sideways? I would hope not, but it still does not make me feel better about God's role in all of this. Then again, why is there child sex-traffickiing? Why are there serial killers? Why is there animal abuse? I could go on forever and the truth is that I may never know the answers.