Well, I have officially ruled out San Diego Fertility Center. Those people are money grubbing crooks who care far more about their bentleys and La Jolla mansions than they do about helping people start families. They have told me that they will not give me a breakdown of fees so that I can submit my own claims to my insurance company. The best they can do is offer a $2500 discount off their cash price. WTF!!! I can't believe this is even legal. Here is my response to them. I'm actually quite proud of it.
Hi Kim,
Thank you again for getting back to me. Unfortunately…and I realize you do not make the rules…but that is unacceptable considering I have 80% coverage on both IVF and IVF with DE. There is so much controversy about whether or not insurers should cover fertility treatments and whether or not employers should add it to their plans, but with policies such as what you are describing, it does not matter if you have insurance coverage or not. I have been both a self-pay patient and a covered patient…as such I was beyond thrilled when I was able to acquire IVF coverage. Then to find out that the top clinics make it nearly impossible to take full advantage of insurance coverage is nothing short of devastating. Frankly, I think at best it’s unethical and well, actually pretty despicable. I would think that with the amount of money fertility clinics make on self-pay patients, they would not feel the need to prey on the few that have insurance coverage. At least CCRM has the decency to allow you to submit your own claims to your insurance, so that patients with coverage can take advantage of their out-of-network benefits.
This process is a gut wrenching, emotionally debilitating, sea of grief and panic that I would not wish on anyone. Needless to say, we will not be able to use your services. I am very disappointed as I am sure you are well aware of your reputation, but we are not millionaires. We are just a desperate couple who find themselves in the crappy position of needing help to start a family…something that most people take for granted. The fact that I even have to consider donor eggs at 38 years old is bad enough without being told that I cannot go to a top clinic that is clearly listed in Blue Cross’ member directory.
I would appreciate if it you would forward my thoughts to your decision makers and/or physicians. They need to know how these types of policies affect the very people they have promised to help. I believe that promise is called the Hypocratic Oath? I guess it doesn’t mean much when there are thousands of dollars to be made. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Infertile Myrtle
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Moving On
It's been over a week since my conversation with Dr. Schoolcraft. He didn't say anything I didn't expect, but it still stung when he said that I need to move on to donor eggs. I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself and had a good cry (or two). I had to put on a brave face this last Saturday, as I had to travel to CA to attend a good friend's bridal shower. All in all, it was not that bad, but I had emailed everyone beforehand to give them my update, so I did get some of those "looks." And I got a couple of sympathy hugs. Glad it's over.
So in the midst of all this self-pity, I did manage to contact some clinics to get info on egg donor programs. My goal was to find a clinic with good DE success rates and that accepted our insurance as "in-network." As I mentioned in a previous post, many clinics nowadays are separating out the labs so that the lab is not contracted with any insurance, but the "clinic" is. So I have narrowed my search down to Pac NW Fertility and Fertiliy of Las Vegas. They both claim a success rate of 77% for 2009, but not all of those women have given birth yet, so I'm not sure how meaningful that number is.
Our time line goal is to have a transfer mid-Nov, but it all depends on if we get matched to a donor in time. I figure we have about a month to get it nailed down in order to have a November transfer. We want to do in November because I want to have a urologist on call to do a TESE on DH in case we don't have enough sperm in the 6 vials of testicular tissue we have. His urologist wants us to wait 6 months from the last surgery. So that's where we're at.
Of course, we do still have those 3 frozen eggs in LA. We will obviously try to fertilize those as well, but I'm not pinning my hopes on them fertilizing and implanting. Regardless, I would like to be pregnant by Christmas. I do not want to face all of my family unless I have something good to report.
So in the midst of all this self-pity, I did manage to contact some clinics to get info on egg donor programs. My goal was to find a clinic with good DE success rates and that accepted our insurance as "in-network." As I mentioned in a previous post, many clinics nowadays are separating out the labs so that the lab is not contracted with any insurance, but the "clinic" is. So I have narrowed my search down to Pac NW Fertility and Fertiliy of Las Vegas. They both claim a success rate of 77% for 2009, but not all of those women have given birth yet, so I'm not sure how meaningful that number is.
Our time line goal is to have a transfer mid-Nov, but it all depends on if we get matched to a donor in time. I figure we have about a month to get it nailed down in order to have a November transfer. We want to do in November because I want to have a urologist on call to do a TESE on DH in case we don't have enough sperm in the 6 vials of testicular tissue we have. His urologist wants us to wait 6 months from the last surgery. So that's where we're at.
Of course, we do still have those 3 frozen eggs in LA. We will obviously try to fertilize those as well, but I'm not pinning my hopes on them fertilizing and implanting. Regardless, I would like to be pregnant by Christmas. I do not want to face all of my family unless I have something good to report.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
To Hell in a Hand Basket
Well, I got the results of my Clomid Challenge Test. What a freaking joke. My FSH has shot up to 18.7 and post Clomid it was 25.4. I have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft on Thursday but I'm pretty sure he is going to recommend donor eggs at this point. I am starting to be more open minded about it, but if we do go that route, we cannot do it at CCRM. Because of their underhanded and sneaky insurance situation, we cannot afford them for donor eggs. I have been talking to DH about what to do and he thinks we should just try to fertilize our three frozen eggs and if that doesn't work, then decide on plan G. I say "G" because I feel like we've gone through B, C, D etc. already. What I think we should do is find a clinic that will take Blue Cross without any loopholes and do a donor cycle there. At the same time, try to fertilize my frozens. If they fertilize, great. If not, we are not out that money or another several months.
I also brought up the possiblity of trying IUI with donor sperm. As far as I know, I am still ovulating so there is a chance it could work. He is not ready to discuss it. I think he needs to start being more realistic about this. We do not have unlimited funds and we don't have a lot of time. He mentioned last night that if we keep spending spending spending we will never get ahead. I'm sorry to say that I don't give a rat's ass about getting ahead right now. I just want a family. I did tell him though that the financial strain is why I brought up the IUI in the first place. He didn't respond to that.
So at this point, it's looking more and more like I will not be doing another IVF with my eggs. I'm very sad to say goodbye to the possibility of miniature Myrtles running around, but like I said...it's time to be realistic.
I also brought up the possiblity of trying IUI with donor sperm. As far as I know, I am still ovulating so there is a chance it could work. He is not ready to discuss it. I think he needs to start being more realistic about this. We do not have unlimited funds and we don't have a lot of time. He mentioned last night that if we keep spending spending spending we will never get ahead. I'm sorry to say that I don't give a rat's ass about getting ahead right now. I just want a family. I did tell him though that the financial strain is why I brought up the IUI in the first place. He didn't respond to that.
So at this point, it's looking more and more like I will not be doing another IVF with my eggs. I'm very sad to say goodbye to the possibility of miniature Myrtles running around, but like I said...it's time to be realistic.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Daisy and Marie Callender's
It's been a while since my last post. It's not that I haven't wanted to, but I have been VERY occupied with a new puppy named Daisy. She might be the best thing that's happened to me since this nightmare started. She is a lot of work, but she is sooo cute and sweet and she keeps my mind off of the infertility road. She is like having a great book to read at my current bus stop! I plan to take her with me to Colorado for my next IVF cycle. She will be a great companion and source of support while I am there.
So last night I went to a Resolve Support Group meeting at Marie Callender's. I was really nervous...not knowing what to expect. I have never really (with one exception) talked about this in real life with anyone who really "gets it." I am so glad I went. These were a great group of ladies...all with different reasons as to why they are on this journey. Two of them has been thru 6 IVF attempts with zero insurance coverage and my heart just went out to them. One of them is starting the process of donor eggs and one is gearing up for another IUI. The two IVF vets are also considering CCRM. Even just being able to use fertility lingo without eplaining in layman terms was a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to explain the difference between an embryo and an egg! I will definitely be going again next month. Too bad it's not somewhere a little more hip like CPK...oh well, who doesn't like pie?
So last night I went to a Resolve Support Group meeting at Marie Callender's. I was really nervous...not knowing what to expect. I have never really (with one exception) talked about this in real life with anyone who really "gets it." I am so glad I went. These were a great group of ladies...all with different reasons as to why they are on this journey. Two of them has been thru 6 IVF attempts with zero insurance coverage and my heart just went out to them. One of them is starting the process of donor eggs and one is gearing up for another IUI. The two IVF vets are also considering CCRM. Even just being able to use fertility lingo without eplaining in layman terms was a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to explain the difference between an embryo and an egg! I will definitely be going again next month. Too bad it's not somewhere a little more hip like CPK...oh well, who doesn't like pie?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Waiting
I feel like I've been waiting for something for two years. This month is two years since we started trying to get pregnant. I never thought two years later, I would be writing a blog about infertility. I haven't moved on from that first day I didn't take my birth control pill. Sure, I get up in the morning, eat breakfast and work all day. And then I make dinner for my husband, clean the kitchen and watch TV. But I truly have not been living. I haven't scrapbooked since I don't even remember when. I love to cook complicated things...lately I have been making turkey burgers. The only times I am kind of content is when I am watching General Hospital or when I am eating something very satisfying. The infertility road is full of bus stops where you just wait and wait and wait...
It goes like this: You first realize that something might be wrong and you search for a fertility clinic and make an appt...only to be told you have to wait 6 weeks for said apppointment.
Bus Stop #1. Then you get there and they put you through a battery of tests...some of them not fun. Your husband gets to jerk off in a seedy little room with a TV. Other than some blood, that's the extent of his testing. I get to have an HSG. Don't even ask. I get to have an ultrasound with a dildo cam. Really...don't ask. Let me just tell you that modesty is a thing of a past. I really should just become a stripper...might as well make some money if everyone is going to see me naked. Do they have stripclubs for size 12 strippers? So after all this testing, you're told that you're fine, but your husaband has a little problem with his sperm and you need In Vitro in order to get pregnant. And you have to wait another 2 months to do a sperm extraction in order to do In Vitro.
Bus Stop #2. How much does In Vitro cost?! Again, don't ask. After obtaining sperm, securing funds and choosing a clinic...
Bus Stop #3 More tests. Now it's a hysteroscopy and more blood testing. Finally, IVF starts...only to be cancelled because I was only growing one egg.
Bus Stop #4 Have to wait for two periods before we can start IVF again. Oh, and dad came for vacation so had to push it back another month. Second IVF gets under way...one egg...one embryo.
Bus Stop #5 Two week wait. BFN...Big Fat Negative for all you muggles out there.
Bus Stop #6 Have to wait for two periods again before we can start another IVF. THREE EGGS this time! Maybe there is hope. Wait for it...wait for it...no sperm.
Bus Stop #7 Need more sperm...two month wait for another extraction. So after freezing the eggs and obtaining more sperm, I chose to get on a different bus. I'm hoping the CCRM bus is an express bus straight to motherhood.
Bus Stop #8 More testing. Almost done...officially starting Clomid Challenge tomorrow. Another dildo cam...more needles. Can I get off this bus already?
It goes like this: You first realize that something might be wrong and you search for a fertility clinic and make an appt...only to be told you have to wait 6 weeks for said apppointment.
Bus Stop #1. Then you get there and they put you through a battery of tests...some of them not fun. Your husband gets to jerk off in a seedy little room with a TV. Other than some blood, that's the extent of his testing. I get to have an HSG. Don't even ask. I get to have an ultrasound with a dildo cam. Really...don't ask. Let me just tell you that modesty is a thing of a past. I really should just become a stripper...might as well make some money if everyone is going to see me naked. Do they have stripclubs for size 12 strippers? So after all this testing, you're told that you're fine, but your husaband has a little problem with his sperm and you need In Vitro in order to get pregnant. And you have to wait another 2 months to do a sperm extraction in order to do In Vitro.
Bus Stop #2. How much does In Vitro cost?! Again, don't ask. After obtaining sperm, securing funds and choosing a clinic...
Bus Stop #3 More tests. Now it's a hysteroscopy and more blood testing. Finally, IVF starts...only to be cancelled because I was only growing one egg.
Bus Stop #4 Have to wait for two periods before we can start IVF again. Oh, and dad came for vacation so had to push it back another month. Second IVF gets under way...one egg...one embryo.
Bus Stop #5 Two week wait. BFN...Big Fat Negative for all you muggles out there.
Bus Stop #6 Have to wait for two periods again before we can start another IVF. THREE EGGS this time! Maybe there is hope. Wait for it...wait for it...no sperm.
Bus Stop #7 Need more sperm...two month wait for another extraction. So after freezing the eggs and obtaining more sperm, I chose to get on a different bus. I'm hoping the CCRM bus is an express bus straight to motherhood.
Bus Stop #8 More testing. Almost done...officially starting Clomid Challenge tomorrow. Another dildo cam...more needles. Can I get off this bus already?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friends and Frenemies
I have decided to start being more honest and real with my friends about my struggle. I realized during a therapy session that in my conversations, I tend to use sarcasm to deflect or just discuss the logistics of treatment, rather than share the emotional impact this has had on me. I believe I do this in order to push my bubbling emotions back down so that I can maintain control. So I sent an email to about 15 of my friends and family members. I totally came clean about how much pain I have been in throughout this struggle. I confessed to having jealous feelings toward those friends that have children. I openly admitted that I am soooo very angry and am silently screaming about how this is monumentally unfair. I voiced my annoyance at the dumb things people have said. I felt good, or better anyway, after having done it. I felt like I was no longer hiding anything anymore.
So I was excited about the reponses I would get. I wondered who would respond and who wouldn't. Some of the responders were people I KNEW would respond. There were also a couple of surprises. One, my former roommate and also one of my closest friends, only responded after I thanked "those who responded." AND, all I got was a cursory one sentence email to the effect of, "...you know that I support you." Really? We lived together for 7 years and had probably hundreds of girl talk sessions about how we would get married and have children someday and that's all she's got for me? Another close friend...someone I have been friends for 20 years didn't respond at all. My SIL, who is slightly insane, and incredibly self-absorbed, also didn't respond. Not a big surprise there, but it's strange the way people behave when faced with such raw emotion. Perhaps they didn't know what to do with my grief, so they did nothing. I am not exactly sure what a "frenemy" is, but I do know that those who responded with pure empathy and concern for me are people who truly care about me and about how infertility has affected me. The others? I'm not so sure.
Here is one response that touched me so deeply, I would like to honor it here:
First…I didn’t get this lastnight but this morning when I got to my desk and it hasn’t ruined my day or dampened my spirits…and I’m glad you did this. Hopefully it was cleansing and maybe took some of the burden off of your beautiful heart.
Of anyone in my life that I have known, loved and really respected…you DESERVE children. All of your life you have dreamed of this, waited until you found the right guy, and I’m proud that you’ve never “let nature take it’s course.” The few times we’ve broached the subject of your infertility I’ve never felt sorry for you, thought you were anything less than perfect (which you have always been in my eyes), and even though your heart is broken…it’s still beating. After reading this a few times one thing I am so very happy for is that you and your husband have maintained the strong connection that you dreamed of all of your life. You waited so long for “the right guy” and at times I thought he would never surface and look…there he is. That man seems to have the unconditional love for you that so many of us can only dream about…
Your wit and sarcasm are coping mechanisms and they could be considered unhealthy if you weren’t crying all the time, angry at people you know that really don’t deserve the happiness a child brings…so many people that we both have known are not worthy of being a parent. Above all other women I know…you were born to be a mother. You should feel bitter and pissed…everybody at some point loses their faith in God…and if you didn’t wonder “what if…then what”…well, then you would not be being honest with yourself. I know that deep down you know that whatever people say is said with the best of intentions…I liken it to when someone loses a child or a mother…you don’t know what to say and just say nothing at all. Or…you can say it will get easier, they could have suffered more and death was a blessing…whatever. With your situation…it is the same thing and for you…this is like a death sentence.
That being said…
People are given no hope to survive an illness and somehow…they do. Your ovaries and his sperm are only in a coma and not dead by a long shot. Mind f*ck yourself into KNOWING this next cycle will work. Envision a growing little peanut growing into a healthy and loving baby that will be everything you are and more. Like you, I have worked for everything I have but take a look at your past…everything you wanted, worked for and dreamed of has ultimately happened…just not on YOUR timetable. Your future little one is no exception.
I wish I was a better friend, was able to keep in touch more and spend time with you. The time and distance will never diminish the love I have for you. Somehow, you will find strength, rekindle your faith in God and have your baby. Your Karma bank is full…you just can’t access it yet.
I love you honey…
So I was excited about the reponses I would get. I wondered who would respond and who wouldn't. Some of the responders were people I KNEW would respond. There were also a couple of surprises. One, my former roommate and also one of my closest friends, only responded after I thanked "those who responded." AND, all I got was a cursory one sentence email to the effect of, "...you know that I support you." Really? We lived together for 7 years and had probably hundreds of girl talk sessions about how we would get married and have children someday and that's all she's got for me? Another close friend...someone I have been friends for 20 years didn't respond at all. My SIL, who is slightly insane, and incredibly self-absorbed, also didn't respond. Not a big surprise there, but it's strange the way people behave when faced with such raw emotion. Perhaps they didn't know what to do with my grief, so they did nothing. I am not exactly sure what a "frenemy" is, but I do know that those who responded with pure empathy and concern for me are people who truly care about me and about how infertility has affected me. The others? I'm not so sure.
Here is one response that touched me so deeply, I would like to honor it here:
First…I didn’t get this lastnight but this morning when I got to my desk and it hasn’t ruined my day or dampened my spirits…and I’m glad you did this. Hopefully it was cleansing and maybe took some of the burden off of your beautiful heart.
Of anyone in my life that I have known, loved and really respected…you DESERVE children. All of your life you have dreamed of this, waited until you found the right guy, and I’m proud that you’ve never “let nature take it’s course.” The few times we’ve broached the subject of your infertility I’ve never felt sorry for you, thought you were anything less than perfect (which you have always been in my eyes), and even though your heart is broken…it’s still beating. After reading this a few times one thing I am so very happy for is that you and your husband have maintained the strong connection that you dreamed of all of your life. You waited so long for “the right guy” and at times I thought he would never surface and look…there he is. That man seems to have the unconditional love for you that so many of us can only dream about…
Your wit and sarcasm are coping mechanisms and they could be considered unhealthy if you weren’t crying all the time, angry at people you know that really don’t deserve the happiness a child brings…so many people that we both have known are not worthy of being a parent. Above all other women I know…you were born to be a mother. You should feel bitter and pissed…everybody at some point loses their faith in God…and if you didn’t wonder “what if…then what”…well, then you would not be being honest with yourself. I know that deep down you know that whatever people say is said with the best of intentions…I liken it to when someone loses a child or a mother…you don’t know what to say and just say nothing at all. Or…you can say it will get easier, they could have suffered more and death was a blessing…whatever. With your situation…it is the same thing and for you…this is like a death sentence.
That being said…
People are given no hope to survive an illness and somehow…they do. Your ovaries and his sperm are only in a coma and not dead by a long shot. Mind f*ck yourself into KNOWING this next cycle will work. Envision a growing little peanut growing into a healthy and loving baby that will be everything you are and more. Like you, I have worked for everything I have but take a look at your past…everything you wanted, worked for and dreamed of has ultimately happened…just not on YOUR timetable. Your future little one is no exception.
I wish I was a better friend, was able to keep in touch more and spend time with you. The time and distance will never diminish the love I have for you. Somehow, you will find strength, rekindle your faith in God and have your baby. Your Karma bank is full…you just can’t access it yet.
I love you honey…
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The List
So my therapist gave me a list of words to reflect on. I am just now looking at this list one hour before my appt! I am supposed to ponder them and write down what comes to mind... I am specifically going to try to correlate them to my fertility challenges.
Hope...I need to maintain hope that this next cycle will work and I can get off the roller coaster.
Love...I need to remember that love...love for my future children...love for my husband...love for my parents...is the reason that I want to be a mom in the first place and not get so caught up in winning.
Forgiveness...I need to forgive my body for not cooperating. Forgive my husband's body for not cooperating.
Action...I need to recognize that I am taking the best action I can take by going to CCRM.
Direction...I need maintain direction in this process so as not to dwell on the whatifs.
Power...I need to recognize that I have the power to not let my mind go to the worst possible scenario.
Spirit...I need to not let this proces crush my spirit and that I am so much more than someone who wants to be a mom.
Earth...I need to realize that leaving behind descendants is not the only mark I will make on the earth.
Connection...I need to maintain a connection to my friends, even though, I am jealous and envious of the fact that they are moms and I am not.
Time...I need to not spend so much of my time dwelling, researching and talking about infertility and take more time to enjoy life.
Health...I need to be as healthy as possible for this next cycle so as to give myself the best chance.
Relationship...I need to nurture my relationship with my husband inspite of the hurdles we have jumped over and will continue to jump over thru this process.
Friend...I need to be a better friend by trusting my friends with my feelings instead of acting like everything is fine.
Community...I need to make more of an effort to make more friends in Scottsdale by getting more involved with community stuff.
Quality...I need to be cognizant of the quality of everything I do...from work, to interactions with others, to managing money, etc. and not let everything suffer because I am so obsessed with infertility.
Hope...I need to maintain hope that this next cycle will work and I can get off the roller coaster.
Love...I need to remember that love...love for my future children...love for my husband...love for my parents...is the reason that I want to be a mom in the first place and not get so caught up in winning.
Forgiveness...I need to forgive my body for not cooperating. Forgive my husband's body for not cooperating.
Action...I need to recognize that I am taking the best action I can take by going to CCRM.
Direction...I need maintain direction in this process so as not to dwell on the whatifs.
Power...I need to recognize that I have the power to not let my mind go to the worst possible scenario.
Spirit...I need to not let this proces crush my spirit and that I am so much more than someone who wants to be a mom.
Earth...I need to realize that leaving behind descendants is not the only mark I will make on the earth.
Connection...I need to maintain a connection to my friends, even though, I am jealous and envious of the fact that they are moms and I am not.
Time...I need to not spend so much of my time dwelling, researching and talking about infertility and take more time to enjoy life.
Health...I need to be as healthy as possible for this next cycle so as to give myself the best chance.
Relationship...I need to nurture my relationship with my husband inspite of the hurdles we have jumped over and will continue to jump over thru this process.
Friend...I need to be a better friend by trusting my friends with my feelings instead of acting like everything is fine.
Community...I need to make more of an effort to make more friends in Scottsdale by getting more involved with community stuff.
Quality...I need to be cognizant of the quality of everything I do...from work, to interactions with others, to managing money, etc. and not let everything suffer because I am so obsessed with infertility.
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