Well, I got the results of my Clomid Challenge Test. What a freaking joke. My FSH has shot up to 18.7 and post Clomid it was 25.4. I have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft on Thursday but I'm pretty sure he is going to recommend donor eggs at this point. I am starting to be more open minded about it, but if we do go that route, we cannot do it at CCRM. Because of their underhanded and sneaky insurance situation, we cannot afford them for donor eggs. I have been talking to DH about what to do and he thinks we should just try to fertilize our three frozen eggs and if that doesn't work, then decide on plan G. I say "G" because I feel like we've gone through B, C, D etc. already. What I think we should do is find a clinic that will take Blue Cross without any loopholes and do a donor cycle there. At the same time, try to fertilize my frozens. If they fertilize, great. If not, we are not out that money or another several months.
I also brought up the possiblity of trying IUI with donor sperm. As far as I know, I am still ovulating so there is a chance it could work. He is not ready to discuss it. I think he needs to start being more realistic about this. We do not have unlimited funds and we don't have a lot of time. He mentioned last night that if we keep spending spending spending we will never get ahead. I'm sorry to say that I don't give a rat's ass about getting ahead right now. I just want a family. I did tell him though that the financial strain is why I brought up the IUI in the first place. He didn't respond to that.
So at this point, it's looking more and more like I will not be doing another IVF with my eggs. I'm very sad to say goodbye to the possibility of miniature Myrtles running around, but like I said...it's time to be realistic.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Daisy and Marie Callender's
It's been a while since my last post. It's not that I haven't wanted to, but I have been VERY occupied with a new puppy named Daisy. She might be the best thing that's happened to me since this nightmare started. She is a lot of work, but she is sooo cute and sweet and she keeps my mind off of the infertility road. She is like having a great book to read at my current bus stop! I plan to take her with me to Colorado for my next IVF cycle. She will be a great companion and source of support while I am there.
So last night I went to a Resolve Support Group meeting at Marie Callender's. I was really nervous...not knowing what to expect. I have never really (with one exception) talked about this in real life with anyone who really "gets it." I am so glad I went. These were a great group of ladies...all with different reasons as to why they are on this journey. Two of them has been thru 6 IVF attempts with zero insurance coverage and my heart just went out to them. One of them is starting the process of donor eggs and one is gearing up for another IUI. The two IVF vets are also considering CCRM. Even just being able to use fertility lingo without eplaining in layman terms was a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to explain the difference between an embryo and an egg! I will definitely be going again next month. Too bad it's not somewhere a little more hip like CPK...oh well, who doesn't like pie?
So last night I went to a Resolve Support Group meeting at Marie Callender's. I was really nervous...not knowing what to expect. I have never really (with one exception) talked about this in real life with anyone who really "gets it." I am so glad I went. These were a great group of ladies...all with different reasons as to why they are on this journey. Two of them has been thru 6 IVF attempts with zero insurance coverage and my heart just went out to them. One of them is starting the process of donor eggs and one is gearing up for another IUI. The two IVF vets are also considering CCRM. Even just being able to use fertility lingo without eplaining in layman terms was a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to explain the difference between an embryo and an egg! I will definitely be going again next month. Too bad it's not somewhere a little more hip like CPK...oh well, who doesn't like pie?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Waiting
I feel like I've been waiting for something for two years. This month is two years since we started trying to get pregnant. I never thought two years later, I would be writing a blog about infertility. I haven't moved on from that first day I didn't take my birth control pill. Sure, I get up in the morning, eat breakfast and work all day. And then I make dinner for my husband, clean the kitchen and watch TV. But I truly have not been living. I haven't scrapbooked since I don't even remember when. I love to cook complicated things...lately I have been making turkey burgers. The only times I am kind of content is when I am watching General Hospital or when I am eating something very satisfying. The infertility road is full of bus stops where you just wait and wait and wait...
It goes like this: You first realize that something might be wrong and you search for a fertility clinic and make an appt...only to be told you have to wait 6 weeks for said apppointment.
Bus Stop #1. Then you get there and they put you through a battery of tests...some of them not fun. Your husband gets to jerk off in a seedy little room with a TV. Other than some blood, that's the extent of his testing. I get to have an HSG. Don't even ask. I get to have an ultrasound with a dildo cam. Really...don't ask. Let me just tell you that modesty is a thing of a past. I really should just become a stripper...might as well make some money if everyone is going to see me naked. Do they have stripclubs for size 12 strippers? So after all this testing, you're told that you're fine, but your husaband has a little problem with his sperm and you need In Vitro in order to get pregnant. And you have to wait another 2 months to do a sperm extraction in order to do In Vitro.
Bus Stop #2. How much does In Vitro cost?! Again, don't ask. After obtaining sperm, securing funds and choosing a clinic...
Bus Stop #3 More tests. Now it's a hysteroscopy and more blood testing. Finally, IVF starts...only to be cancelled because I was only growing one egg.
Bus Stop #4 Have to wait for two periods before we can start IVF again. Oh, and dad came for vacation so had to push it back another month. Second IVF gets under way...one egg...one embryo.
Bus Stop #5 Two week wait. BFN...Big Fat Negative for all you muggles out there.
Bus Stop #6 Have to wait for two periods again before we can start another IVF. THREE EGGS this time! Maybe there is hope. Wait for it...wait for it...no sperm.
Bus Stop #7 Need more sperm...two month wait for another extraction. So after freezing the eggs and obtaining more sperm, I chose to get on a different bus. I'm hoping the CCRM bus is an express bus straight to motherhood.
Bus Stop #8 More testing. Almost done...officially starting Clomid Challenge tomorrow. Another dildo cam...more needles. Can I get off this bus already?
It goes like this: You first realize that something might be wrong and you search for a fertility clinic and make an appt...only to be told you have to wait 6 weeks for said apppointment.
Bus Stop #1. Then you get there and they put you through a battery of tests...some of them not fun. Your husband gets to jerk off in a seedy little room with a TV. Other than some blood, that's the extent of his testing. I get to have an HSG. Don't even ask. I get to have an ultrasound with a dildo cam. Really...don't ask. Let me just tell you that modesty is a thing of a past. I really should just become a stripper...might as well make some money if everyone is going to see me naked. Do they have stripclubs for size 12 strippers? So after all this testing, you're told that you're fine, but your husaband has a little problem with his sperm and you need In Vitro in order to get pregnant. And you have to wait another 2 months to do a sperm extraction in order to do In Vitro.
Bus Stop #2. How much does In Vitro cost?! Again, don't ask. After obtaining sperm, securing funds and choosing a clinic...
Bus Stop #3 More tests. Now it's a hysteroscopy and more blood testing. Finally, IVF starts...only to be cancelled because I was only growing one egg.
Bus Stop #4 Have to wait for two periods before we can start IVF again. Oh, and dad came for vacation so had to push it back another month. Second IVF gets under way...one egg...one embryo.
Bus Stop #5 Two week wait. BFN...Big Fat Negative for all you muggles out there.
Bus Stop #6 Have to wait for two periods again before we can start another IVF. THREE EGGS this time! Maybe there is hope. Wait for it...wait for it...no sperm.
Bus Stop #7 Need more sperm...two month wait for another extraction. So after freezing the eggs and obtaining more sperm, I chose to get on a different bus. I'm hoping the CCRM bus is an express bus straight to motherhood.
Bus Stop #8 More testing. Almost done...officially starting Clomid Challenge tomorrow. Another dildo cam...more needles. Can I get off this bus already?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friends and Frenemies
I have decided to start being more honest and real with my friends about my struggle. I realized during a therapy session that in my conversations, I tend to use sarcasm to deflect or just discuss the logistics of treatment, rather than share the emotional impact this has had on me. I believe I do this in order to push my bubbling emotions back down so that I can maintain control. So I sent an email to about 15 of my friends and family members. I totally came clean about how much pain I have been in throughout this struggle. I confessed to having jealous feelings toward those friends that have children. I openly admitted that I am soooo very angry and am silently screaming about how this is monumentally unfair. I voiced my annoyance at the dumb things people have said. I felt good, or better anyway, after having done it. I felt like I was no longer hiding anything anymore.
So I was excited about the reponses I would get. I wondered who would respond and who wouldn't. Some of the responders were people I KNEW would respond. There were also a couple of surprises. One, my former roommate and also one of my closest friends, only responded after I thanked "those who responded." AND, all I got was a cursory one sentence email to the effect of, "...you know that I support you." Really? We lived together for 7 years and had probably hundreds of girl talk sessions about how we would get married and have children someday and that's all she's got for me? Another close friend...someone I have been friends for 20 years didn't respond at all. My SIL, who is slightly insane, and incredibly self-absorbed, also didn't respond. Not a big surprise there, but it's strange the way people behave when faced with such raw emotion. Perhaps they didn't know what to do with my grief, so they did nothing. I am not exactly sure what a "frenemy" is, but I do know that those who responded with pure empathy and concern for me are people who truly care about me and about how infertility has affected me. The others? I'm not so sure.
Here is one response that touched me so deeply, I would like to honor it here:
First…I didn’t get this lastnight but this morning when I got to my desk and it hasn’t ruined my day or dampened my spirits…and I’m glad you did this. Hopefully it was cleansing and maybe took some of the burden off of your beautiful heart.
Of anyone in my life that I have known, loved and really respected…you DESERVE children. All of your life you have dreamed of this, waited until you found the right guy, and I’m proud that you’ve never “let nature take it’s course.” The few times we’ve broached the subject of your infertility I’ve never felt sorry for you, thought you were anything less than perfect (which you have always been in my eyes), and even though your heart is broken…it’s still beating. After reading this a few times one thing I am so very happy for is that you and your husband have maintained the strong connection that you dreamed of all of your life. You waited so long for “the right guy” and at times I thought he would never surface and look…there he is. That man seems to have the unconditional love for you that so many of us can only dream about…
Your wit and sarcasm are coping mechanisms and they could be considered unhealthy if you weren’t crying all the time, angry at people you know that really don’t deserve the happiness a child brings…so many people that we both have known are not worthy of being a parent. Above all other women I know…you were born to be a mother. You should feel bitter and pissed…everybody at some point loses their faith in God…and if you didn’t wonder “what if…then what”…well, then you would not be being honest with yourself. I know that deep down you know that whatever people say is said with the best of intentions…I liken it to when someone loses a child or a mother…you don’t know what to say and just say nothing at all. Or…you can say it will get easier, they could have suffered more and death was a blessing…whatever. With your situation…it is the same thing and for you…this is like a death sentence.
That being said…
People are given no hope to survive an illness and somehow…they do. Your ovaries and his sperm are only in a coma and not dead by a long shot. Mind f*ck yourself into KNOWING this next cycle will work. Envision a growing little peanut growing into a healthy and loving baby that will be everything you are and more. Like you, I have worked for everything I have but take a look at your past…everything you wanted, worked for and dreamed of has ultimately happened…just not on YOUR timetable. Your future little one is no exception.
I wish I was a better friend, was able to keep in touch more and spend time with you. The time and distance will never diminish the love I have for you. Somehow, you will find strength, rekindle your faith in God and have your baby. Your Karma bank is full…you just can’t access it yet.
I love you honey…
So I was excited about the reponses I would get. I wondered who would respond and who wouldn't. Some of the responders were people I KNEW would respond. There were also a couple of surprises. One, my former roommate and also one of my closest friends, only responded after I thanked "those who responded." AND, all I got was a cursory one sentence email to the effect of, "...you know that I support you." Really? We lived together for 7 years and had probably hundreds of girl talk sessions about how we would get married and have children someday and that's all she's got for me? Another close friend...someone I have been friends for 20 years didn't respond at all. My SIL, who is slightly insane, and incredibly self-absorbed, also didn't respond. Not a big surprise there, but it's strange the way people behave when faced with such raw emotion. Perhaps they didn't know what to do with my grief, so they did nothing. I am not exactly sure what a "frenemy" is, but I do know that those who responded with pure empathy and concern for me are people who truly care about me and about how infertility has affected me. The others? I'm not so sure.
Here is one response that touched me so deeply, I would like to honor it here:
First…I didn’t get this lastnight but this morning when I got to my desk and it hasn’t ruined my day or dampened my spirits…and I’m glad you did this. Hopefully it was cleansing and maybe took some of the burden off of your beautiful heart.
Of anyone in my life that I have known, loved and really respected…you DESERVE children. All of your life you have dreamed of this, waited until you found the right guy, and I’m proud that you’ve never “let nature take it’s course.” The few times we’ve broached the subject of your infertility I’ve never felt sorry for you, thought you were anything less than perfect (which you have always been in my eyes), and even though your heart is broken…it’s still beating. After reading this a few times one thing I am so very happy for is that you and your husband have maintained the strong connection that you dreamed of all of your life. You waited so long for “the right guy” and at times I thought he would never surface and look…there he is. That man seems to have the unconditional love for you that so many of us can only dream about…
Your wit and sarcasm are coping mechanisms and they could be considered unhealthy if you weren’t crying all the time, angry at people you know that really don’t deserve the happiness a child brings…so many people that we both have known are not worthy of being a parent. Above all other women I know…you were born to be a mother. You should feel bitter and pissed…everybody at some point loses their faith in God…and if you didn’t wonder “what if…then what”…well, then you would not be being honest with yourself. I know that deep down you know that whatever people say is said with the best of intentions…I liken it to when someone loses a child or a mother…you don’t know what to say and just say nothing at all. Or…you can say it will get easier, they could have suffered more and death was a blessing…whatever. With your situation…it is the same thing and for you…this is like a death sentence.
That being said…
People are given no hope to survive an illness and somehow…they do. Your ovaries and his sperm are only in a coma and not dead by a long shot. Mind f*ck yourself into KNOWING this next cycle will work. Envision a growing little peanut growing into a healthy and loving baby that will be everything you are and more. Like you, I have worked for everything I have but take a look at your past…everything you wanted, worked for and dreamed of has ultimately happened…just not on YOUR timetable. Your future little one is no exception.
I wish I was a better friend, was able to keep in touch more and spend time with you. The time and distance will never diminish the love I have for you. Somehow, you will find strength, rekindle your faith in God and have your baby. Your Karma bank is full…you just can’t access it yet.
I love you honey…
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The List
So my therapist gave me a list of words to reflect on. I am just now looking at this list one hour before my appt! I am supposed to ponder them and write down what comes to mind... I am specifically going to try to correlate them to my fertility challenges.
Hope...I need to maintain hope that this next cycle will work and I can get off the roller coaster.
Love...I need to remember that love...love for my future children...love for my husband...love for my parents...is the reason that I want to be a mom in the first place and not get so caught up in winning.
Forgiveness...I need to forgive my body for not cooperating. Forgive my husband's body for not cooperating.
Action...I need to recognize that I am taking the best action I can take by going to CCRM.
Direction...I need maintain direction in this process so as not to dwell on the whatifs.
Power...I need to recognize that I have the power to not let my mind go to the worst possible scenario.
Spirit...I need to not let this proces crush my spirit and that I am so much more than someone who wants to be a mom.
Earth...I need to realize that leaving behind descendants is not the only mark I will make on the earth.
Connection...I need to maintain a connection to my friends, even though, I am jealous and envious of the fact that they are moms and I am not.
Time...I need to not spend so much of my time dwelling, researching and talking about infertility and take more time to enjoy life.
Health...I need to be as healthy as possible for this next cycle so as to give myself the best chance.
Relationship...I need to nurture my relationship with my husband inspite of the hurdles we have jumped over and will continue to jump over thru this process.
Friend...I need to be a better friend by trusting my friends with my feelings instead of acting like everything is fine.
Community...I need to make more of an effort to make more friends in Scottsdale by getting more involved with community stuff.
Quality...I need to be cognizant of the quality of everything I do...from work, to interactions with others, to managing money, etc. and not let everything suffer because I am so obsessed with infertility.
Hope...I need to maintain hope that this next cycle will work and I can get off the roller coaster.
Love...I need to remember that love...love for my future children...love for my husband...love for my parents...is the reason that I want to be a mom in the first place and not get so caught up in winning.
Forgiveness...I need to forgive my body for not cooperating. Forgive my husband's body for not cooperating.
Action...I need to recognize that I am taking the best action I can take by going to CCRM.
Direction...I need maintain direction in this process so as not to dwell on the whatifs.
Power...I need to recognize that I have the power to not let my mind go to the worst possible scenario.
Spirit...I need to not let this proces crush my spirit and that I am so much more than someone who wants to be a mom.
Earth...I need to realize that leaving behind descendants is not the only mark I will make on the earth.
Connection...I need to maintain a connection to my friends, even though, I am jealous and envious of the fact that they are moms and I am not.
Time...I need to not spend so much of my time dwelling, researching and talking about infertility and take more time to enjoy life.
Health...I need to be as healthy as possible for this next cycle so as to give myself the best chance.
Relationship...I need to nurture my relationship with my husband inspite of the hurdles we have jumped over and will continue to jump over thru this process.
Friend...I need to be a better friend by trusting my friends with my feelings instead of acting like everything is fine.
Community...I need to make more of an effort to make more friends in Scottsdale by getting more involved with community stuff.
Quality...I need to be cognizant of the quality of everything I do...from work, to interactions with others, to managing money, etc. and not let everything suffer because I am so obsessed with infertility.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Where does God fit in?
I am not particularly religious, but I do find myself often wondering what kind of God could allow this to happen to me. Why couldn't the woman who is hooked on Meth wind up infertile? I try to keep my faith, but it's so very difficult. I will sometimes make "deals" with God such as "I will remember to pray everyday if you will give me a baby," or "I will stop cursing if you give me a baby." Other times, I will give God a good "talking to." Just last night I was praying and it quickly turned into a lecture. I informed God in no uncertain terms that if His plan was to leave me childless, He had just better make a new plan because whether He works with me or against me, I WILL HAVE A BABY dammit. Well...there goes my promise to stop cursing.
I also really grapple with the term "God's Will." Was it God's Will that I should have to bear this much pain over struggling to get pregnant? Maybe I'm paying my dues because nothing too terrible up until now has happened to me? What about my husband? He has not had such an easy life and sure as Hell does not need to pay any dues to any one. Is it God's Will that I should have to wade through this swamp of infertility while across the street, there is an olympic sized pool full of people who get pregnant when their husband looks at them sideways? I would hope not, but it still does not make me feel better about God's role in all of this. Then again, why is there child sex-traffickiing? Why are there serial killers? Why is there animal abuse? I could go on forever and the truth is that I may never know the answers.
I also really grapple with the term "God's Will." Was it God's Will that I should have to bear this much pain over struggling to get pregnant? Maybe I'm paying my dues because nothing too terrible up until now has happened to me? What about my husband? He has not had such an easy life and sure as Hell does not need to pay any dues to any one. Is it God's Will that I should have to wade through this swamp of infertility while across the street, there is an olympic sized pool full of people who get pregnant when their husband looks at them sideways? I would hope not, but it still does not make me feel better about God's role in all of this. Then again, why is there child sex-traffickiing? Why are there serial killers? Why is there animal abuse? I could go on forever and the truth is that I may never know the answers.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Advanced Maternal Age
What exactly is "advanced maternal age?" I don't consider myself much of an advanced age. Isn't 40 supposed to be the new 30? Who in the Hell came up with this term "advanced maternal age?" Today I went on FF to see the new posts in the IUI, IVF or Medical Assitance forum and someone decided to ask other AMAs about their history. It was so nice to see that this struggle is affecting so many other women. I think it's programmed in our society to wait to have kids until we are married, financially stable and have everything else first. Why is children last on our lists? We see people like Geena Davis, Jennifer Lopez and Madonna all having children later in life and we think we can do it too. Clearly, if you ask my fellow FFers, this is not always the case. Obviously, R's azoospermia would force us to pursue IVF anyway, but had we done this 5 years ago I might've been able to cough up more eggs and I would be pregnant by now. I realize I can't know what would've happened had I done things differently. But what I'm saying is that I wish I hadn't been so arrogant as to think I could have children whenever I wanted. And I wish someone would have told me this. Instead, people always said, "Oh...you have PLENTY of time." No, I don't.
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